Saturday, March 25, 2006

Buy Or Die

I was a Girl Scout for many years of my young life. My mom was a leader. When I was sixteen, I was a Girl Scout leader. I went to Germany and drank beer as a Girl Scout, then I hosted a German girl in my home for three weeks as a Girl Scout.

It's cookie time. I've personally consumed two and a half boxes of Girl Scout cookies this year. We used to buy cases of cookies in college, but I'm trying to maintain a figure so I can get acting work and Andrew is being supportive. Even though the cookies are now a whopping $4 a box, I think it's important to buy at least one box from the cute little girls who hang out at the grocery store and (because of today's declining educational standards) can't always make change correctly.

Why, when I was a lass we didn't hang out at grocery stores. Oh no. We were given big order forms to carry around that had pictures of the cookies, and the honor system kept us from selling before the official sale date. I'd put on my cutest face and hit up the teachers and my grandparents and local cousins to buy cookies from me. There was usually a prize at stake, like a stuffed monkey or a stuffed penguin. Then I'd hit up the people who came to our motorcycle shop or our house just to visit and drink beer. I'd either wait for them to get stoned and then bring out the order form (knowing they'd be interested in cookies at that point), or I'd march up to the tougher sales and say, "Buy or die." I'd make all kinds of threats that my forty-pound body couldn't really back up, my dad and his friends would laugh, and they'd order cookies. With this tactic, I won a stuffed monkey or two and I had highest cookie sales in my troop for a couple years.

Being a Girl Scout was a very important part of my young life. I earned lots of badges, made friends, gained social skills, and I got to participate in a lot of cool activities. Oh, and I got to threaten people and use my cleverness to get the biggest loadies to fork over some cash and support my ventures. To find out how you can help support the Girl Scouts (it you're trying to avoid buying those intoxicating cookies), visit

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